A while ago, I went to see an event with a good friend of mine. We got talking afterwards about the speaker on show.
‘I couldn’t do that.’ Remarked my friend.
Because I’m not confident enough.
Something immediately struck me about this comment; it was said with an absolute assuredness.
And yet- what is confidence? Is it how we present ourselves externally, or something deeper?
We often mistake apparent confidence for insecurity. Do you know somebody who loves to talk about where they have been, what they do for living, or how much money they have? What’s important to remember here is, who are they telling? This is not confidence, this is ego talking borne out of insecurity.
So . . Something deeper then.
Confidence is about trust- not the intangible and wavering feeling but in one’s own resources.
Clients will often say to me, In some ways I’m really confident and in other ways I’m shy. The key thing to acknowledge here is the self realisation that the feeling of ‘confidence’ does exist; otherwise how do they recognise it?
I put this thought to my friend.
‘Yes, but getting up in front of people to speak is totally different to what I do normally’
Well . . yes. . of course it is. However, how do any us gain confidence in what we do? We learn, we make mistakes, we hone, we make more mistakes, and after a while a system starts to emerge and a trust starts to develop in our given skill and with it our confidence increases. But that only happens once you have committed to something new, once you are prepared to go outside of your comfort zone and grow.
So how do you take the first step towards locating your confidence?
You must use the resources within yourself that reinforce the feeling of trust and in turn confidence. What if you could take the feeling of confidence in something you excel at and move it into something where you don’t trust yourself yet? Feeling confident or not isn’t about your ability to do something outside you’re comfort zone. It’s about where you choose to place to your focus. The best public speakers didn’t start by thinking I will be amazing, they started by thinking – it’s ok if I’m not amazing. To think in this way means the person doesn’t expect excellence initially, but is willing to trust their own resources to become excellent.
Let’s look at an example-
Person A- is a doctor and has been asked to speak to a large group, they’ve never done this before and don’t feel confident.
Ok, so what resources or strengths might be transferrable to help remind this person how capable and confident they actually are.
Speaking to patients, leading a small team of junior doctors, the knowledge that they studied for several years demonstrating resilience and achievement.
Very quickly a different person starts to emerge, a person who has used their confidence throughout their life and continues to use it daily.
If you choose to place your focus on negative resources such as your fear of failing, or worrying if the auidence will like you, then you will sit inside your own mind, unable to see or access your confidence. This mindset will harden and calcify in difficult times or perhaps when watching fantastic public speakers thinking ‘I couldn’t possibly do that.’
Our sense of possibility only narrows when we don’t trust ourselves, and our confidence diminishes when we don’t acknowledge our own resources.
Trusting your own experiences and strengths to gain confidence isn’t the preserve of the few, it is in all of us.
Your confidence is within you. It always has been, and always will be.
Whether you choose to find it, is up to you.