Action Coach, Career Coach, Hypnotherapy, Life Coach, Lifestyle, Performance Coach, Personal coaching, Self Help

F.E.A.R

I can’t do it mum, I’m sorry.

RIGHT!

Oh dear. This isn’t good.

This was a bigger reaction than usual, I knew she was upset this time.

Although to be fair, if you had come out of work, picked your son up from school, driven him to the dentist, put him in the chair ready for a tooth out, only to find ‘the poor little soul has had a change of heart’ you might feel aggrieved at a completely wasted afternoon too.  I sat in the waiting room trying to ready myself for one of my back teeth out,  a very fake smile started to appear on my face. I couldn’t process my thoughts and the image of the dentist with a drill and a hacksaw was only getter bigger in my mind. Plus I didn’t want to let my mum down. The Fear. Oh the Fear.

What is Fear? Is it what we imagine? How many times in our lives is our imagined fear much worse than the reality? One of my favourite acronyms is-

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

 I had a tooth out later in life, did it hurt? Mildly. Was there a dentist waiting to carve my gum open with a rusty scalpel. In short, no. What about the dreaded conversation with the angry partner, we rehearse what we are going to say all day- only to find they are sorry to. Maybe it’s the presentation at work, everyone will throw tomatoes at me and laugh at my ineptitude – only to see smiling faces and have the realisation that you were asked to do it for a reason. Fear carries a certain taboo, we’re not supposed to be fearful, or we don’t want to show it. This is because it’s where our vulnerabilities lie.

What happens though when we suppress how we feel?

Do our fears disappear? Or does our subconscious store it in our bodies for when we least want it be there. We pretend we’re not vulnerable, nervous, self conscious, or fearful and just when we want to show courageous we are. . . our neck and face goes red, our palms sweat, we can’t articulate what we are saying, our mind races, we fidget and twitch. This is your subconscious screaming …

YOU CAN’T LIE TO ME!!!  

I believe fear to be a completely understandable and powerful emotion, it is however irrational and stops us doing the vast majority of things in life. 

There is a saying in NLP ‘You know more than you think you know’ and what this simple but highly effective sentence challenges us to remember is our resourcefulness. As we all sit out and reflect in this difficult time, I ask you to think about when you have overcome fears in your life. How did it feel? Relief? Elation? Pride? The truth is we only feel alive when we are challenging our ‘fears’, when we are willing to take a risk or make a mistake. We may not always associate it with a pleasant feeling, but we certainly know when we come through it, and it gives us strength as we move on in life and we start to realise the only person stopping you: is you.

We drove away in silence from the dentist, my mind raced as I wondered what would become of this 10 year old boy with half a tooth still in his mouth. Would she abandon me by the roadside? Would I make it into school next day?

Turns out we just went home for bangers and mash.

If this sounds familiar then please get in touch. I’d love to help.

Action Coach, Career Coach, Hypnotherapy, Life Coach, Lifestyle, Performance Coach, Personal coaching, Self Help

It’s not you, it’s me.

We’ll have salt and pepper chicken wings, a portion of spare ribs, beef in black bean sauce, and two portions of egg fried rice. Oh, and some prawn crackers.

Ahh. . . Chinese takeaway.

The perfect food whatever the weather, but particularly when you’re comforting a friend who recently ended their marriage. Lots of things can contribute to the breakdown of a relationship. The pain it causes means that at first It’s much easier to lay blame elsewhere, sometimes at the estranged partner or outside influences like ones career or money. The last thing we want to do is look at ourselves for the part we played. Did we enable or subconsciously promote undesirable behaviour in our partner? The disconnect between what we want and what believe we are worth is very prevalent for a lot of people. We just aren’t consciously aware of how our behaviour and thought patterns effect us and the person we want to love us.

 People act in the way you subconsciously want them to act.

What does this mean? Well, do you have a friend, family member or work colleague who always ends up with the same ‘sort’ of person? You can warn them, advise them, laugh with them, but nothing seems to stop the inevitable slide into another unfulfilled relationship. What does this suggest? That the person is actively looking to be hurt, unloved or not appreciated. . . Not for a minute!! However if we subconsciously believe that this is what we are worth then we frame our choices within that belief system. We chase love, affection, and quality time with someone because we believe we aren’t worthy, so we over compensate. This can mean the other person becomes used to things being easy for them, so they stop investing in the relationship because they don’t have to. The very things that we want we drive away. The old adage the more you give the more they take is very true.

We can’t control what others think, and we can’t take responsibility for somebody else’s happiness. However what we can do is understand what are value’s are. What are our red lines?  I can’t promise anyone happiness or love in their relationships, but I do know this – the more you love you, the more you know your value, the more will you be pleasantly surprised by who comes into your life.

Now, pass me the chopsticks.

If this sounds familiar then please get in touch

Action Coach, Career Coach, Hypnotherapy, Life Coach, Lifestyle, Performance Coach, Personal coaching, Self Help

Spot the difference

‘You’re a bit weird dad.’

 Once the searing honesty had subsided, I thought for a second about my eight year old’s pearl of wisdom.

‘Well, it’s good to a bit weird. I replied.

When she said this, I’d like to think she was referring to my love of Spandau Ballet. (Fair cop). But I sensed it was my commitment to an impression I was doing to make her laugh. It struck me afterwards about how we define ourselves and others as ‘weird’ or ‘not normal.’ Is it the job we do?  If you are a deep sea diver off the North Atlantic then you are in the minority compared to a factory worker. However both equally provide for an individual and their loved ones.  Is it our colleagues? The person who is socially awkward at work? Maybe they haven’t been given or shown the tools to cope in life? Is it our family? Why is one sibling totally different from the rest when given the same upbringing by their parents? It strikes me as ‘weird’ how quickly we see the difference in others without looking at our own oddities. . .

Why do we conform to being ‘normal’ or at the very least wanting to be perceived as normal? Must have kids. Must earn loads of money. Must get married. There is nothing wrong with any of those choices as long as they are your choices and they don’t come from a need or desire to fit in socially. So often we miss out on what is around us because we are consumed by where we aren’t, what we’re not earning, who we are not with. How much of our lives do we spend thinking about fitting in, instead of embracing who we really are?  I’d like to think we are all bit weird, we all have parts of us that we suppress out of embarrassment or fear. But the truth is, this is where our soul lies, it’s what makes us an individual. What makes you stand out? What makes you, you?

To cut a long story short.

It’s true,

I am weird.

If this sounds familiar, then drop me an email. I’d love to help.

Action Coach, Career Coach, Hypnotherapy, Life Coach, Lifestyle, Performance Coach, Personal coaching, Self Help

I am who I am.

‘It’s how i was brought up.’

I’ve heard this line many times in my life. When we think about what defines us, we can often blame our behaviour and thoughts on things that have happened to us. A big indicator for this is our parents. The things we learn from them as we are growing up stay with us into adulthood, and if we aren’t consciously aware of what those learnings are it’s easy to fall back on old patterns and put barriers up when life throws things at us. An example would be when we feel we can’t do something or we don’t want to feel a certain way.  Clients will often say to me, ‘I’d love to be able to do it, but I don’t feel confident enough.’ They will then go on to tell me various other areas of their life where they have shown great confidence!

As people we are reservoir of resources, so what are we choosing to not know about ourselves?

 The things that we see as negative in ourselves are also our greatest strength. What does this mean? Well the person who is sensitive and takes things to heart, is also the same person who is very good at listening, and empathising with people. The person who is shy, is also the same person who is confident.  All of us are many things to many different people. Think about how many different parts of ourselves we must utilise in a single day to make of the most it.  We are who we are because of what has happened to us, not in spite of it. So the next time you want to blame a parent, sibling, or friend for your behaviour, blame them for all the good in you.

After all, it’s how you were brought up. 

If this sounds familiar, then drop me an email. I’d love to help.

Action Coach, Career Coach, Life Coach, Lifestyle, Performance Coach, Personal coaching, Self Help, Uncategorized

I say tomato, you say tomayto.

We often see things through the narrow prism of our own experience.  Our opinion and view of the world is of course the ‘right’ way to think, and we reinforce this belief by talking to other people with similar views to our own.  The difference we see in others can lead us to thinking our view is superior or others are not as enlightened as us. We see this a lot in politics at the moment, where the word democracy means different things to different people, depending on which side of the fence you sit on.

 So who is right – you or the other person? Leavers or remainers?  Or are we asking the wrong question? It’s very easy in life to frame our thinking and attitude around external things, the paper we read, the news we choose to listen to, the friends we surround ourselves with. How often do you hear people say “I believe in this view because it was how i was brought up”.  These are all examples of a way of thinking which takes away all our responsibility for independent thought. Can we not think for ourselves?  Sometimes It’s easy and more comforting to blame the other person or the other side rather than looking within.  However, we can’t grow and move forward if we don’t have a degree of self awareness and an ability to expand thinking outside of ‘what we know.’ The key here is this – in how many areas of our life do we limit ourselves and our opportunities because we quickly decide ‘they’re not like me’ before even putting ourselves in a position to find out?

The more we listen the more we learn, and maybe if we accept our differences and enhance our similarities our lives would be more fulfilled.

If this sounds familiar, drop me an email. I’d love to help